9 feb 2022, an occasional blog – Practicing Praxis
What is a recipe for disaster? Using chili powder instead of paprika? For sure. But there are other kinds of recipes. When I have high expectations of beloveds in my life and they don’t come through for me…that’s another kind of recipe for disaster. I live alone and struggle with loneliness every day. I’m lucky because I live in a senior cooperative, there are great people living here, and I have food in my frig and i can afford to live here. I know how blessed I am not to be homeless or hungry. I do not take that for granted. My neighbors are great and I’ve gotten to know many people, though I’ve only lived here during this never-ending pandemic. But you know what? I still live a solitary and alone life. My closest companions? Sadie, my 19 year old kitty with thyroid problems, and Ketzel, my 13 year old diabetic kitty. I love them very much, and I do talk with them all the time. Sometimes I dance in my bedroom and they look at me weirdly. Sometimes I sing and they really look at me weirdly, since I do not have a good voice. My kitties love me back…Sadie wakes up and yelps for her food every morning. And Ketzel walks all over me when I sleep. They are wonderful companions but they don’t engage in conversation with me. There are limitations when your closest companions are four-legged beings.
Living alone during this freaking pandemic is really hard. I want to have a companion who I can talk with at the end of each day. You know….stuff like, “how was your day honey?” not someone on zoom. A real human being I can hug and touch (and maybe a little more….i’ll leave that to your imagination, readers). During this pandemic, how do you find people who you can call your beloveds? People you love, you trust, you want to hang out with. I’m “old” now so I don’t run around as much as I used to. I met beloveds in my lifetime through doing political work. But it’s the damn pandemic. I’m not going out to protests, going to meetings, doing what I used to do. I’m “retired,” and 70 years old, and currently recovering from outpatient hernia repair surgery. I’m ok and my neighbors are here for me, but I don’t have “beloveds” living here. I speak on the phone to many of the beloveds in my life. Many do not live in Minnesota so it’s hard. And I’m not planning on jumping on a plane during this pandemic to visit some of my beloveds who don’t live nearby.
Getting old ain’t a picnic folks.
I love living here in this senior cooperative, but I do miss more intergenerational living. I wish there were more people here who were younger and also more people here who don’t look like me…it’s expensive to live here, and we do not have a racially diverse population. You gotta have money to live in this community. I’m used to living in a more diverse world. So it can be a challenge here.
What do I wish for? I do not do new year’s resolutions but this year I’ve been saying…I long for the day when we can make a HUGE bonfire and burn all our freaking masks. I wonder if that will happen or if we will keep seeing variants of covid. We just don’t know. It’s hard to see who you are when you are wearing a mask.
It’s hard to entertain yourself when you live alone. Lately, I’ve been watching the Olympics, especially watching many of the women compete. They are amazing. I’m not a fan of all the hyper-patriotism and the “USA, USA” chanting. I love it when three women get medals from three different countries and they embrace each other because they are friends! It’s not about what country you are from or the medal count. Sometimes I feel sad watching the events. It’s the pinnacle of their lives as these athletes compete…and they are doing it in huge arenas that are empty and they have to wear masks. But they are smiling and embracing each other and there is a community in the Olympics. And it’s not about the flag on their jackets. It’s about being comrades as athletes.
So what’s my message here? Surviving the pandemic as best as we can. Finding beloveds wherever we live. Yes. I wish I had better answers. I wish life were easier. Sometimes I wish I were younger and I felt more able-bodied. But you have to live with the cards you’ve been given…some things you just cannot change. I can wish for more intimate relationships in my life these days, but I just don’t see that happening. Who knows? (“The answers my friend are blowing in the wind….”)
Anybody know any nice Elder lesbians who are single and don’t have a lot of drama in their life, and want to hang out with me? Let me know, please.